Monday, December 22, 2014

SEX OVER FIFTY ~ Are we going downhill or picking up speed? Conversations with Spencer.


Sex over fifty. 
Are we going downhill or picking up speed?

Fabulous Fifty
Sexy Sixty
Sensuous Seventy
Erotic Eighty
Naughty Ninety

Aloha everyone! Sorry it’s been a while. Today in conversations with Spencer, we’re talking about having sex over fifty. Or ‘old guys’ sex’ as Spencer calls it. J

Are we ‘old’ these days when we hit the half century and upward? Or is 50, the new 35 as writer John Rosenman says? Is 70 the new 50?

We’re not aging the way our parents or Grandparents did. We’re living more and deeper. When I hit 50 last year, part of me simply rebelled. I thought, I’m not ready to hang up my sensuality slippers yet! The thought of never having sex again in my life depressed the guts out of me. That’s when I started my career as a sensuous or erotic romance writer. While Miss Clairol and I are on more intimate terms than I’d like, on a good day, I do only feel in my thirties. On a bad day—94!

I always remember the Irish comedian Dave Allen joking about getting older. He said he went past a shop window and thought, God, who’s that old codger. Then he realized it was him. J

In my country of birth, New Zealand there were certain expectations of aging. At 30, I was expected to ‘grow up.’ Get my hair cut in a nice pudding bowl, no nonsense, sensible shape, let it go progressively grey and throw out all my sexy clothes. I call this aging disgracefully.

Spencer: Ugh. What a terrible image. Yes, aging disgracefully. That's something that's changed for the better. I think the make-up and fashion people have recognized there's still plenty of opportunity to sell to women over forty. My wife spends a small fortune on hair care, skin and make -up products, regular mani's and pedi's. I'm all for it. She's still a very beautiful woman at 59.


Thankfully that’s changed. But my stepmother often asked me quite seriously when I was going to get my hair cut. Ah, like, never! I’ll die with long red curly hair, thanks very much. Why would I trade in a sexy part of me? Why would I want to? In the States, people have different expectations. The ‘blue rinse’ and having your hair ‘set’ in curlers once a week is not as prevalent as New Zealand. Here women in their eighties still dye their hair red. They still get mani’s and pedi’s as a matter of course.

I was saying to my best friend the other day, “My God, how can we be 51?! That’s ridiculous.” In the movie ‘Still Crazy’—Bill Nighy’s character slams a birthday cake against the wall saying, “I’m not fucking fifty!”

I hear you Bill!

So, at fifty, sixty, seventy and up these days—where’s our sexuality at? Have we slowed down, lost interest or have we moved into another level of sexuality and slowed down in a good way? Deeper, slower, more intense? This is what I wonder about.

For me, it’s slower, I’m looking after me more. When I was younger, the guy got most of the attention. The aim was for him to get off. As a woman, I was mostly along for the ride (no pun intended.) These days I know my body, I know what I like. I want to have an orgasm too!! Not something the men of my youth thought very important. And given the couple of toy boys I’ve had lately…it still seems to be not that important?! Grrr. Does Spencer answer why that happens with younger men?


My first breakthrough in 'old guy sex' was the realization that the most erotic thing in the world to me was seeing, hearing and feeling my wife's sexual arousal. As a young man, it was all about penetration and getting off before the woman came to her senses. Of course I wanted her to be gaga over the experience but I had no idea of the things I needed to do to please a woman. Part of my apprenticeship as an erotic writer has been learning those secrets. It's in my stories, where the woman teaches the man how to please her. That's how I learned. I think men could learn a lot by reading erotic romance-not the stuff of the Penthouse Forum but erotic romance.

So I'm going downhill, losing speed but finding an enjoyment I wish I could have discovered many years ago.


Do we then undervalue getting older in that we know more what we like, need and desire in sex? For me, would an older man give me more in bed? What’s still sexy to us? The younger Ken dollies don’t do a thing for me. Bland on bland. The 12 pack muscles I find off putting and also bland, boring. I like men with character in their faces and sensuality in their bodies. I look at someone like Morgan Freeman and think, Good lord, you’re a sexy, sensuous, vital looking man. He’s 77…

Spencer and I are both concerned that older romances are not portrayed as much in writing and the big screen. What I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older, is that while I feel a bit more crocky on it, my desires and attitude haven’t aged as much as my birth certificate. I don’t FEEL fifty one or look it. When I read a story about a ‘middle-aged woman’ in her forties or fifties, I am offended. It makes me sound old and grey, lacking in vitality and oomph. Way past my sexual prime with boobs down to my knees or at least my belly button. Okay, I can hold a pencil under them now, but still!! Not at my naval yet!

And I immediately envision someone much older than me as ‘middle-aged.’ More like well…my parents age, but even that doesn’t really cut it these days. My parents are in their sixties and seventies and would out hike me on even given day. They sea kayak and mountain bike for gods sake! About 94 seems ‘old’ these days to me. Age and our perspective on it shifts all the time with our age, and society. We are aging differently than past generations.

So, I like to write about older romances. Henry is 68 and has his life awakened when Izzy steps into his life, taking him from 50 shades of beige into a rainbow smorgasbord of aliveness and love. She opens up his sexuality for the first time in his life. In my gay romances, Rob is 50 and falls in love with Kulani who is 25. I think our sexuality is evolving as human beings.


Meg: My latest incarnation with writing erotica started at age 62. In the wake of my mother's passing I got to spend a long time alone at her ocean-side cottage and think about my life. There is nothing as healthy and healing as being able so sit by the ocean for long periods of time letting you mind wander. That was a foreign experience to me. My life has always been lived in regretting the past or fearing the future. Caring for my mother required, for the first time in my life, that I live in the present moment.

In the time after her death I noticed a profound change- the sexual urges that had dominated my life and thinking were fading away and I wasn't ready to let them go. I made a decision that I wanted to remain a sexual being until the day I died. So on my daily beach walks I tried to explore every facet of my sex life beginning with my life long enchantment with female allure. It was allure long before it was sexual in nature, but it started with the urges beneath my pants at the sight of a naked woman over a half century ago. According to religion it was evil but the desire was so strong. It was the beginning of a life of hopelessly mixed messages. The great thing about your sixties is you start casting off old taboos like so much dead skin.


I was lucky enough to grow up in a non-religious country, but even so, I don’t think I hit my sexual stride until my late thirties. And also had mixed messages of a different kind. We simply weren’t encouraged to really look after ourselves in bed, by ourselves or with our men. If we stumbled across an orgasm, we were lucky. The message was be available, be sexual, but don’t ask for much for yourself in the sex department.
Now, moving into my fifties, I not want, but DEMAND an orgasm. My needs have shifted away from just giving pleasure. I want to receive it equally as well. Sex is more of a need in a different way to when I was younger. I want the connection and I want the intense release of an orgasm. I’m in menopause, but have picked up speed. My body feels different. I have a sensuality now I didn’t have when I was younger.

The average man takes between one and ten minutes to reach an orgasm, 
but women can take up to twenty minutes. Male orgasms only last for around four seconds, though, whereas a woman's can last up to fifteen! 

The hard and fast sex bores me to tears. The toy boys annoy me, because they know sex but not sensuality or sexiness. They’re still at the “I have a penis, what else do you need” stage of sex. And they don’t know women’s bodies. They’re very ‘grabby’ and they often hurt. They grab too hard, pinch, squeeze, they’re too rough. Where do they learn this from? It’s not sexy, it’s painful. One recent toy boy (yes, nearly weaned myself off them) told me that the younger women are rough, not sensuous. They bite and scratch. Ugh…

Do we have the advantage of being older? Are we just coming into our prime? I think so.


Men and women have such different sexual needs, triggers and clocks, it amazing we ever get together. I've gotten my self in trouble for saying lesbians have all the fun- no fear of unwanted pregnancy, little risk of STD'S and a partner who understands your sexual rhythms. I have joked to my wife about Viagra commercials, "Now that we can't get it up anymore you finally want it." (incoming!)

There is a lot of complicated stuff here that is presented too simplistically by the bullet point articles of men's and women's magazines. Good sex is a ballet on ice and not a game of hockey It requires lots of trust.


I agree that it does. I think it also requires experience and a different approach to sex. The slower pace gives me more as a woman. I orgasm more easily and it’s deeper. The fact that I now know my body about a hundred million times better also helps. I know what I like, what turns me on and what doesn’t.

I don’t think I’m aroused slower, but I want the experience to be slower, deeper. I want the sensuality, the kisses, my back rubbed, hair stroked, my skin caressed. I know if I’m not lubricated enough. I want to get rolled in the velvety molten experience of good sex. I don’t want to feel like I’ve been body slammed. Even with slow sensuous sex, I end up with bruises on me. LOL. I always used to end up with one under my chin with my older lover. LOL. I still want to give my men everything, but I expect it back in return. That’s my main difference. I want the sex for ME now.

Making Noise Makes Your Orgasm Better
Turns out, controlling the volume on your sex sounds could be the key to an awesome O. In tantric sex, making high-pitched noises brings sexual energy to your chest, throat, and head, while low-pitched noises bring them down to… well, down there. Switch up your sounds for a full-body orgasm.

Spencer, what’s changed for you as an older male?  


Most notably, getting and staying aroused. My recovery period now is measured in days rather than minutes. Despite the decline, I enjoy sex more now. As I said before, children kill intimacy unless you're fortunate enough to be able to have frequent get-away weekends. 

Now we can take more time. I love doing the massages. I bought a wand vibrator and use it first for full body massage before moving to the arousal zones. We've gone to the adult toy store together to buy lubes, sniggering like teenagers over the assortment of devices. (I recommend going on Sunday so you won't run into your pastor.)

I'm not ready for the blue pill. Those things scare me to death with all the side effects and possible interactions.


So, in conclusion, let's hear it for testosterone and progesterone cream and good anti-aging medicine. 

We’re still sexy and sexual these days past fifty. We still feel sexy, sensuous, our bodies still response. We’re possibly more sultry, slower, more seductive. It might only happen once a night or every few days, but the desire is still there. The need, the want, he hell yes. We get bolder, we write erotica, we visit sex shops, we wonder if online porn is really that awful. We become more open, we care less about what other people think. We like the Canadian soccer moms who run Coffee and Porn in the morning with their beautiful images they find.

Orgasms Get Better with Age
Women ages 80 to 99 are more sexually satisfied than younger women, 
according to a study in The American Journal of Medicine

Spencer Dryden and Meg Amor are both erotic romance writers, 
with books available on Amazon and new releases in the New Year. 
They have also been featured in the Good Men Project. 

You can find them on their websites at: 

Spencer Dryden

Meg Amor


  1. Hey Meg:
    As usual your graphics add a lot to our discussions. I still die of embarrassment every time I see the Meg Ryan scene. Interesting that changing notions of sexuality was the inspiration for both of us to begin writing erotica.

    1. Aloha Spencer.

      Thanks on the graphics. I have fun finding the piccies for these blogs. I love that Meg Ryan scene. I love it when someone says, "I'll have what she's having." LOL.

      Yes, on the changing notions of sexuality and what got us into our writing career in this genre. For me, it became an outlet where I could express what my body wasn't getting a chance to do in the physical at that time. I think a lot of us writers use our writing world to explore parts of ourselves.

      Aloha Meg :-)

    2. Meg:
      Two more great things about being an erotic writer: 1) I can sleep with any woman I want and my wife could care less (and the woman likes it), 2) You can take serious revenge on people without threat of jail time.

  2. It took me a while to realize women were much like snowflakes, no two seemed to get off the same way. I remember my college fiancé could only climax if she was on top. It made me feel very inadequate. The next girl I was with was about thirty years older and she explained to me that some women have a more difficult time reaching orgasm than others, and once some do, they often become sensitive and may not be able to continue for several minutes. She also taught me a few things, which to this day I appreciate.

    Not long after our time was up, what she told me proved to be true. One crazy woman I dated would break out into multiples just by me glancing at her vagina (or so it seemed). And she was a squirter. However, my next girlfriend was one-and-done, meaning after orgasm she would be spent for at least a half-hour. My wife is the same way, though fortunately her recovery time is pretty quick.

    As for sex toy stores, this past Friday I stopped by Adam and Eve for some lube. Like you, Spencer, I have to stifle a laugh each time I walk into the place. This particular instance they had a video spoof of Dancing With the Stars, which reminded me of an ERWA flasher I wrote some time ago. It also amazed me how the employees nonchalantly discussed strap-ons and cock rings with their customers the same way an Apple Store salesperson would explain how to download apps onto an IPad.

    1. Aloha Daily,

      Thanks for coming over, reading and commenting! We appreciate it.

      And thanks for talking about some of your experiences. It's true, we women are not 'one size fits all.' And it can take a while to learn how to let go as women. To let our body get to orgasm easily.

      I like the way the adult store workers are so straight forward. For me, it's a nice healthy attitude regarding sex and sexuality. I always appreciated my first sex toy party I went to, where the woman was straight forward and easy to talk to. It made it a lot easier for us first timers.

      Thanks Daily! Aloha Meg :-)

    2. Hi Daily:
      Thanks for sharing. Interesting experiences you've had. You touch on a point that is central to most of our post here: It's so hard to talk to your partner about what she wants but you can't know unless she tells you.

  3. Meg, I think it takes a special kind of person to work there, and I mean special in the most complementary way.

    Spencer, you're absolutely right. That's why I'm grateful for the older sexual partners who graced my life in my early and mid-twenties.

    1. Aloha Daily,

      I have to admire how matter of fact they are Daily. I suppose it's like anything, it probably becomes slightly passe after a while, or it's never bothered you to start with.

      When I first started gay male porn, it was intense. Now, I find it much more normal, if you know what I mean. :-)

      Aloha and Merry Christmas to you and yours... xoxo