Aloha everyone. Lately I
have been reading a lot about what men do and don’t do. The list is long and
seems really inaccurate. I wonder how much these things damage men in general.
And it’s making me madder than a wet hen!
Women often
complain that men don’t talk about their feelings. Why the hell would they?
They’re
discouraged to. If they cry, they’re weak. “Grow a set” or “be a man,” “boys
don’t cry” and all that bullshit.
And it IS
bullshit.
I come from
a country that has one of the highest male youth suicide rates in the world,
although slowly that is coming down, but it’s still high. That’s shameful and
appalling. We’re known as a tough nation of men AND women.
We’re brought
up to be tough, rugged, and durable. There was an ad back in the seventies by
New Zealander Colin Meads, an All Black (our international rugby team who are
known as warriors and hard to beat.) He used to advertise Tanalised fence posts
because back in the day, rugby players volunteered to play for NZ, but they
didn’t get paid like a professional sportsman does today. They all had
“regular” jobs and a lot of them were “tough” men like farmers and other
“manly” things, so advertising things like fence posts was a huge endorsement
in a farming country like NZ.
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| Colin Meads playing Rugby for NZ |
Colin Meads
line that stuck with NZ, was, “they’re tough, rugged, and durable.”
Thank you
bloody Colin!
It’s an
awful legacy to live by.
One of the
first people to get to the top of Everest was New Zealander Sir Edmund Hillary,
along with Nepalese Tenzing Norgay. Mad bastards! But putting that aside, they
were the first people in the world to reach the apex of the highest mountain in
the world.
My sister
and I often joke that the only reason they got there was because Sir Ed just
ignored his feelings like all New Zealand men are taught to do.
“Stop
complaining, Tenzing, we’re nearly there. It’s only a wee bit brisk today.
Christ, it’s colder than this in New Zealand when that Southerly comes up from
Antarctica, man up!” etcetera, etcetera, etcetera… Tenzing would have perhaps
rolled his eyes if they weren’t glued into a permanent frozen rictus in his
face from the cold.
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| Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay |
And we
expect men to “push on.” To be able to handle all sorts of things we don’t want
to handle. Then we complain that our men don’t show their feelings, won’t talk
about them and are generally shut off. Why would you want to expose yourself to
ridicule? You’d be mad to do that.
Years down
the track, another famous NZ All Black “came out.”
In a country
that expects its men to be—well—men, this could have been professional suicide.
Young boys look up to All Blacks. They’re heroes. Rugby is our national
RELIGION for god’s sake! Coming out was a big risk for John Kirwan. Here’s what
he had to say about it:
"When I
was first asked to do the national health campaign, I was scared," he
said. "I was scared people would think I was a freak." –
No, he
wasn’t talking about being gay. He was talking about depression…
Thankfully,
John Kirwan and other famous Kiwis paved the way for men in NZ to start to
express themselves and our suicide rate has taken us out of the top spot with
Finland to about #10. Yes, still not great. We have a way to go yet before
we’re culturally more sophisticated and show some care toward our men.
This is one
of the reasons I can’t live back in my country of birth. I find the Kiwi
attitude toward feelings hard to deal with. I’m not interested in men who can’t
be whole men through society, conditioning, their own self etc. I want men who
feel and express everything.
 |
| John Kirwan |
I think that’s
one of the reasons we’re so attracted to the gay community. And reading about
m/m romance. Men who express their feelings and are real people. Whole men,
gentle men, tough men, but all men who are emotionally there. We get let into a
“secret” world of things we’re not usually exposed to with men—feelings and
emotions we crave.
Some of what
I’m writing about today is spurred by a discussion I was involved in last night
on an intersex person and her recent troubles. The remarks that people made
were just awful. I can’t believe the things people think sometimes. They saw
her as a man, even though she was female. But again, the “be a man” thing came
up.
 |
| Thanks to Cody Kennedy for this brilliant and perfect intersex symbol |
And in reviews
I keep reading and things people mention regarding something in a book, there
are a lot of “rules” regarding what men can and can’t do.
“Men don’t
giggle.”
Actually,
men do giggle. Pacific Island men are gigglers. They’re gorgeous. My late
husband was Maori and he giggled. He also laughed but he did not chuckle. I was
talking to Phetra Novak, another author about this and some things are
cultural. Men in her country of Sweden don’t giggle, they chuckle. Men in my
country, giggle and laugh.
My dad will
say, “It was a bit of a giggle.”
One of my
favorite memories of my late husband Aaron—drunk as a skunk, giggling his heart
out as I’m trying to get him into bed.
 |
| Billy T James, a NZ Maori comedian who was known for his "Maori giggle." |
“Insta-love
is not real.”
I can’t
understand where this one comes from. It only seems to apply to the gay
community and m/m stories.
If you’re
hetero and have “love at first sight” with someone, that’s acceptable. It’s
even seen as an incredible love story. But if you’re gay, it’s called
“insta-love” and it’s bullshit, tawdry, cheap, and “silly.” Excuse me! How the
hell does that work?
Love at
first sight DOES happen to every gender. It’s happened to me. But it’s
“frowned” upon by others outside the gay community or in book reviews. It’s
another thing that is dumped on the gay community and is just ridiculously
sexist and arrogant. I’m so sick of this attitude toward men.
“Men don’t
use sweet names all the time, that’s just ridiculous in adults.”
I actually
had someone say this in a review or words to this effect, a few years back. All
the men I go out with do use sweet names, all the time. Also, if you’re in New
Orleans, expect someone just walking down the street to say, “Hey, baby.” My
kind of place! Again, this is probably cultural or also seems to relate to
people who don’t allow themselves to be feel and be real. Just because you’re
shutoff, it doesn’t mean the rest of the world is.
“Men don’t
like cats.”
Really? I
only go out with men that like cats. Men that don’t like cats are persona non
grata for me. Seriously. There are very distinct personality differences
between cat and dog lovers. Morgan Freeman is a cat lover—enough said.
What all
this is about, is that we don’t allow men to be humans. We want them to be
superheroes who don’t worry about their weight, their hair, their intense fear
of spiders, or the shitty remark from Joe Blogg at the office. We don’t allow
them to feel, be hurt, fall in love madly, badly and gladly. We want them to be
tough and “be a man” “handle things” but then complain that they don’t open up
and tell us their feelings.
Pick one.
You can’t have both.
What I
notice about the gay men I know who are in long term relationships is this.
They all seem to really love their partners or husbands. They like them and
think they’re wonderful. I often wonder why their relationships seem happier
and more content than hetero relationships.
Some of the
things I hear often are: I can be myself. I can tell him everything. He never
judges me. He gets how I feel.
Yeah.
There’s a
lot to be said for that.
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